I’m about to be a senior in college and my future has never looked murkier to me. I know in a broad sense who I want to be, but at this point I really am not for sure about what I want to do and how I’m going to get there.
I don’t like school. I don’t like studying. But, if I want to be a doctor I’m essentially signing myself up for a lifetime of all that shit. People always say that things worth having never come easy, but should I really not enjoy the journey as much as I am. There are other things I love doing. I love cooking and baking and drawing, but I’m not that good at them. Could these fields become my future if I kept working at them? Would I even enjoy them?
I announced to my family that I was going to be a doctor (and go to Harvard medical school l o l) when I was 7 years old and when you do that it’s kind of hard to change it when you’ve told anyone who would listen that you would achieve this goal for 13 straight years. If things don’t work out would they be disappointed in me? Would I be disappointed in myself? I would hope that I would be easier on myself and understand that I don’t have to have my whole life figured out at 20 years old.
This is easier said than done though when you have immigrant parents that have basically worked tirelessly their entire lives to give you all the opportunity in the world and don’t understand the truly American notion of changing careers throughout your lifetime and taking time to “find yourself.” I know I’m young and I have my whole life ahead of me, but I kind of have to figure my shit out right now. My biggest fear in life is that 20 years down the line I look around and think “shit, what have I done?” I’m scared that if I don’t figure it out now I’m gonna be terminally unhappy but that’s easier said than done. I could be a completely different person in just a year! Life moves way too fast and people change way too quickly for me to make decisions that I could regret so quickly.
I think the only way to reconcile these impossible choices is to recognize them as choices that lead to wherever I’m supposed to go. I guess I’ll have to trust in the universe to get me somewhere good, somewhere that I’m happy. I just hope I have the courage to make the scary choices that have no safety net. I just hope I’m happy.