So, I’m sitting here at the end of the first semester of senior year of college waiting to board my flight which has been delayed twice already and I’m realizing that I’m struggling with the same things I was over the summer but honestly I do not want to talk about that at all. Instead, I want to talk about boys. I love talking about boys. Because at this point in my life boys don’t matter and I have a few years before I have to think about boys and settling down seriously, so boys are simply fun right now.
Anyways, I’m sitting here at the airport bopping between Tinder and Hinge and talking to different boys and it’s horrible. Obviously boys are trash blah blah blah and everything they say to me is the worst possible thing that a person could ever say to someone else, but these interactions have really taught me a lot about myself. And that’s that I am a fucking lying, people-pleasing sociopath!! I truly say things that I don’t mean in order to a) keep some awful conversation going for shits and giggles OR b) make this stupid guy, that I will inevitably hate and tell all my friends stories about, happy. It’s actually so horrible. Have you ever tried to sext someone that you lowkey hate and don’t really find attractive? It is truly a lesson in futility.
So ‘why do I do this shit?’ is the big question. The answer is not deep at all honestly and it’s not something that I even have to think hard about really. I just want attention. I think it’s fun to have boys (even boys I don’t really like) chasing after me. It’s probably why I kiss so many boys and just bop around. I think it’s also because I spent so much time growing up essentially asexual and not being noticed by boys in the slightest that now that I’m coming into my own more and boys are noticing me (gasp!) I’m just basking in the glow of it. I’m happy that at least I’m not taking this shit seriously and I don’t feel like I need or crave validation for them it’s just fun having that attention on me even if it’s not necessarily the attention I want. Now that I write that I think this could very well turn into something very negative and unhealthy very quickly lol.
Where are the boys that I like who actually like me?? Probably somewhere in the future when I have lower standards and I’m more willing to settle down. Meanwhile, I’ll be texting five different strangers and not making any long term commitments.
I have a Wedding pinterest. Like a lot of girls my age I have a catalogue of all the things that I want in a wedding, although I certainly have not met the person I’m going to marry (at least I hope I haven’t). It doesn’t make sense at all for me to actively plan out a wedding when I’m super single and super young, but I still do it without fail.
When I turned 20 I wrote a list of the 19 things I learned in my 19th year in life. I didn’t really share it with anyone I just wrote it and saved it away. Now I am officially 20.5 years and 7 days old (my half birthday was a week ago). Everything I wrote is still true and there are some hard lessons that I learned that year but I can’t help but feel that I didn’t really learn anything at all.
I gave myself the best tips in the world; I know myself so deeply, something that I truly pride myself on, but I have not followed most of them. I haven’t taken the time to do the little things like write down everything because I still have the worst memory in the world or be more mindful. I know that if I did my life would be exponentially better! And it’s easy to say tomorrow or next week I’ll fix this, I’ll work on this but now at 20.5 years old I’m so happy I looked at this list today. It’s nice to know I have these checkpoints in my life when I feel lost and this feels as timely as ever.
I highly recommend lists like these for everyone for any birthday. I’m excited to see how I change over the years and I hope I look back on this 19 year old list 10 years from now and think everything on my list is common sense, things I’ve already internalized so much they are a part of my knowledge.
Anyways the aforementioned list in all its glory:
19 Things I Learned at 19
- Some people aren’t going to be in your life for as long as you think they will be and that’s okay – life works like that sometime
- Just start doing things. That’s the hardest part for you, just fucking start something.
- Anxiety is now a part of your life in a way that it never has been before. You’re dealing with it, you’re okay.
- Plus, you got through the worst 5 months of your life so you’re strong (?) I guess
- Black women are so important and beautiful and the world will never appreciate us fully. Love yourself in the meantime and your flawless, smooth, melanin-rich skin
- Positivity is really important do not forget that
- Write everything down!!! It works!! You forget everything just do it!!!
- Surrounding yourself with good people will absolutely change your life/cherish them with your whole heart
- Who you’re around affects you a lot so if you’re sad hang out with people and get happy, it literally works every time for you (because you’re an easily manipulated piece of shit)
- It’s good to be a good person but roasting people brings you joy, don’t forget that
- Don’t hookup with boys that aren’t nice to you all the time, which is literally common sense but apparently you can’t fucking understand this
- Your body doesn’t handle drinking very well – you know this, stop drinking so much
- Kissing boys is fun. Kiss all the boys you want while you can.
- You like REDACTED. A lot. That is okay, do not feel guilty about this.
- Money isn’t the most important thing in the world but dude it makes shit easier so stop spending all your money
- Being extra is in your goddamn DNA. it’s not even extra it’s just loving yourself as much as you want when you want ok
- You won’t regret your tattoo ever. You are happy, you will always be happy, this is your reminder (get the moon next!!)
- Family is so so so important but you really don’t have to like them. Don’t push them away, just accept them for who they are
- You look really good. You feel really good. That is all that is important.
I’m about to be a senior in college and my future has never looked murkier to me. I know in a broad sense who I want to be, but at this point I really am not for sure about what I want to do and how I’m going to get there.