the cool girl

Life Chat

“Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

I remember coming to this section while I was reading Gone Girl and just relating so hard to Amy. Yeah she was kind of crazy and punished her husband for cheating by destroying his life and making him look like a murderer, but she had simply become disillusioned after she made herself into the “perfect woman” and her husband still didn’t want her. And isn’t that the kicker? Even when she was perfect and hot and sweet and unchallenging, he still cheated. Being the Cool Girl doesn’t exempt anyone from being hurt because any guy who chooses the Cool Girl isn’t gonna stick around for her when things get difficult and she’s not so cool and chill anymore.

This idea of the Cool Girl is so ubiquitous. Every guy wants the girl who looks like a model but talks like a bro and is feminine but loves all the disgusting shit he does like light beer. She doesn’t complain because she’s just so fucking chill about everything. But when people are so ~chill~ all the time you know what happens? They snap. Because no one wants to be a fairytale built in the heads of a self-centered dudebro that can’t even spend a second of his time with someone that doesn’t enjoy everything he does and when this Cool Girl, who doesn’t even mind that you spend 6 out of 7 days mentally masturbating with your friends about Call of Duty or whatever instead of hanging out with her, gets fed up she’ll try to kill you. And I will stand up and applaud her.

I’ve always felt this unconscious desire to be a Cool Girl. I would look at characters like Robin from How I Met Your Mother or Donna from That 70’s show and think these are some fucking cool girls. They liked drinking what the boys drank and hanging out and always looked beautiful but of course they never tried to look good it just happened. They loved sports and burped but looked hot while doing it. Anytime one of these girls got emotional every male on the screen would freeze up unsure what to do when the Cool Girl showed she wasn’t as chill as they thought. She was a real person!! With… EMOTIONS!!

At the end of the day being the Cool Girl just seems exhausting. I am not chill; I am a lot. I am extra and loud and sometimes annoying and I have a lot of opinions about everything. I’m funny and smart but I don’t have an easy personality by any means. I get angry at the drop of the hat. Being the Cool Girl would mean giving up everything that makes me me to become an empty shell for some boy to fill in with his unrealistic fantasies. Any guy who thinks they have a real bonafide Cool Girl has either already been murdered because she couldn’t keep up the facade or is on his way there, because being the Cool Girl doesn’t just mean being hot and chill it also means being endlessly forgiving and pleasing. It means never speaking your mind for fear that a man thinks you’re acting crazy or blowing something out of proportion. It’s diluting your personality until all that’s left is sweet and palatable, no sharp tangs of disapproval. It’s being a woman that a man wants you to be.

Basically, RIP the Cool Girl and if there are still some out there I’m praying for them.

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